The Failed Exorcism
by Fareetauhl
Summary: In which Lucy attempts an exorcism, and Mard is not impressed. Modern AU/Demons


**AN: This popped into my head a little while ago and I knew I had to write it.**

 **Warning: This is not meant to offend any people or any cultures/religions. I have enormous respect for all of them. This is merely a story, and if the exorcism offends you, I'm sorry, but the title should have been a giveaway to what this is about… So don't take this personally? Please?**

 **Now on with the story!**

Lucy glared at the red pen marks on her manuscript.

There it was again. Those same, patronizing, snarky remarks, mocking her writing and her all in one. It was the same as it had always been.

And she was sick of it.

Honestly, she had considered moving to get away from it all, but nowadays, rent was so expensive…  
And she had gotten this place for such a good deal…

Besides, why should she have to move out? Why not make the intruding demon move out instead? After all, it wasn't her fault that he chose to make her life difficult. Why should she suffer for it?

Sometimes, it felt like something out of a horror movie. The difference was that the only thing really scary about this demon was his bad attitude.

He blasphemed all her manuscripts, mockingly laughed at her morning routine (she thought that the makeup looked good o her, he clearly disagreed), and constantly invaded her privacy. Not to mention how he censored her foods.

She remembered coming home one day with her grocery bag filled with strawberry cakes and tarts, only to come back from the bathroom to find them splattered all over the walls instead of in the fridge. Apparently, not only was he a stickler for grammar and plot points, but he was also a health-nut.

It figured that out of all the demons to invade her home, she would get the crazy one. Couldn't he at least be a normal demon?

At first, when she discovered she was not alone in her apartment, she had screamed and screamed, and then locked herself in the bathroom to escape from the mocking laughter that followed.

But by now, she was used to it.

That didn't mean she still wanted his presence though.

It was about time that something was done about him. She wasn't going to let him get away with making her life miserable like this.

And no, she did not enjoy his presence in the slightest. The thought of getting rid of him did not create a pang in her stomach at all. It was not oddly sweet that he looked out for her health and writing. Not at all.

At least, that's what she told herself as she struggled to find sleep that night.

The next day, after spending the majority of the day editing her manuscript (not because of what he said, but because she genuinely thought it could use work), she went straight to the library. There, she checked out every single book on exorcisms that she could find. The librarian, a man named Freed, had given her an odd look, but had given them to her regardless. She was glad. She didn't think she would be able to handle questions about her reading choices at the moment.

She quickly retired to a quiet corner in the library to read. If she returned to the house, she was sure the demon would catch what she was up to, and she didn't think he would like. He may have thought that Lucy was completely lacking in brain-power, but she wasn't as dumb as she looked.

She really wasn't helping herself much, was she?

The books explained a multiple number of ways to exorcise a demon. An ancient Mongolian legend told her to bathe in vodka and then discard the dirty vodka, but that sounded excessive, and frankly, a little gross. Another told her to frequently bathe, but she did that anyways (she loved long, hot baths).

Finally, she decided to settle on the Christian version. Apparently, she would need holy water and a cross, both which could easily be obtained from the church across the street. Candles would also be helpful, and although she wasn't sure if that was a joke or not, she wasn't taking any chances.

She even pulled out some garlic and a stake, just in case he refused to leave peacefully (don't ask where she got the stake-Erza had almost every weapon in the universe stashed away).

She was ready to start.

Quickly slipping past her landlady (her rent was due) and into her apartment, Lucy wasted no time in setting up her candles in a pentagram shape. She quickly lit them all with one match (Natsu would be proud), and then grabbed the holy water and sprinkled it in the center. Taking a quick breath in, she gathered her courage, pulled out the cross, and raised her voice.

"The power of Christ compels you demon! Appear before me in all of your malevolence, and begone! This holy water will burn away your presence from this holy site! Begone vile demon, parasite of the heavens! May God grant you your passage back to Hell!"

A whoosh flushed over the area, and the candles flickered and almost went out. Still, Lucy stayed strong, and held the cross up firmer. Finally, she felt what seemed to be a black shadow pass out through the door, and she relaxed. Flipping the lights back on and blowing out the candles, she began to clean up the mess the exorcism had left behind. She'd have to remember to thank and donate to the library later, without them; the demon would still be here.

Her smile faded. Yes, she remembered. The demon was gone now. He would no longer help her with her writing, take care of her diet, or help clean up the place. He would no longer secretly amuse her, or increase her self-confidence by mockingly assuring her she looked better without makeup. He would no longer give her advice, or-

A mocking and cruel laugh cut through the air.

Lucy quickly spun around. He was gone. She had seen him go! There was no way he could still be here. And yet…

Even as she listed all the reasons he should not be here, right in front of her eyes, something was materializing in the place where she had set up the pentagram.

It started with black, old-fashioned, pointed shoes, and swam upwards to slightly loose pants. A long black dress coat appeared, leading up to a collared shirt with few embellishments. Long black hair, leading up to the face.

And the face was…beautiful.

 _He_ was beautiful.

All sharp panes and angles, his eyes slanted with that mocking glint she had heard in his laugh, a cruel tilt to his smile, and the hair…

Oh god, the hair…

It curled gently around the face, the bangs let free to frame it. The rest was bound up in a high ponytail, that fell gracefully down past his neck.

In his hands, he clenched tightly a book, one which he didn't seem to want to let go of. Curious, but not enough to catch Lucy's attention.

If this was what her demon looked like, Lucy thought that _maybe_ she wouldn't mind being corrupted and seduced by him.

Maybe.

And then, he ruined it by speaking.

"Must you always demonstrate your ineptitude in everything? If you were going to attempt an exorcism, at least _do it right_. You couldn't even exorcise a demon from a _gargoyle_ with that method, let alone me, the Underworld King. A summoning and then a banishment? Truly a pathetic method. And the pentagram? Demons _adore_ pentagrams. While I must thank you for gifting me with a corporeal form, I will take this opportunity to commend you on your complete and utter _idiocy_. Really, what would you do without me here to make sure you don't suffer a humiliating and despicable death from your stupidity?"

A vein throbbed in Lucy's head. Although his voice was as beautiful as his face, and smooth in its lilting tenor, she was quickly beginning to realize why she had tried to exorcise him in the first place.

Oh right-he was annoying as _hell_.

Though she supposed that was a given, considering where she came from.

"Anyways, now that I am corporeal, I can begin to adjust this despicable place to make it a suitable establishment. Let's begin with the décor. This bookshelf is unacceptable-especially considering the content it's stacked with. These romance novels are complete and utter trash; no wonder you _enjoy_ them. And the amount of pink this room contains is entirely ridiculous, if I am going to be rooted here, at least attempt to make it somewhat suitable. Additionally-"

"Wait," Lucy blurted.

"What's your name?"

She didn't know why she asked. His speech had raised a lot of questions (for example, what did he mean by rooted and established?), and anyone of them would have been a better choice. But still, as she had listened to him rant and trash her place, she couldn't help but feel…

Relieved. That he was still here.

Sure he may have been a pest. But Lucy had grown up in solitude, and knowing she had not been alone in her apartment had been an odd sort of comfort, one she thought that she could work with.

The demon blinked at her. "My name?"

Lucy nodded. "Yes. Your name. If you are going to be 'established' here, without my approval, I add, I think I have the right to at least know your name."

He stared at her, but then smiled.

A real smile this time, one that warmed her from head to toe.

"My name," he replied, "is Mard Greer. And I am the Underworld King."

Lucy smiled back at him. "Great! Nice to meet you. My name is Lucy Heartfilia, and I am the owner of this apartment."

She held her hand out to shake his.

He warily eyed it, and then places his hand in hers. She shook it enthusiastically.

She grinned at him. "Mard, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship!"

He raised his eyebrow at the nickname, and then nodded.

She was an odd one, this human, but he was intrigued.

After all, if he wasn't, then he wouldn't have chosen to establish himself here all those months ago and play along with her foolish exorcism attempt, would he?

And that was how Lucy Heartfilia ended up with a demon as a roommate. A decision she almost never (except sometimes) regretted, to this day.

Omake:

Jackal grinned as he surveyed the image on the lacrima system the Chairman had set up in Tartaros. So Mard Greer had decided to establish himself in the hovel of a puny blonde huh? Looks like things were about to get interesting, especially since his boss apparently couldn't see the way he affected her.

His smile turned into a wicked smirk. Or the way she affected him.

He couldn't wait to tell the She-Devil about this. She was truly a shipper at heart, and he knew she would have a field day with this. And if he knew her well (which he truly did), word would spread to all of the corners of Hell by noon when she found out.

His smirk dropped. He wouldn't want to be around when Lamy found out of course. If the psycho found out that one of her "hot bodies" had been taken away by some silly human….

Maybe it was time to pay a visit to his favorite cousin in the human world. He hadn't seen Natsu in a while-it was high time he dropped by for a visit.

Right after he told Mira of course.

 **AN: So yeah… This is what came out of my mind today-too much popcorn can do this to you.**

 **I'm really sorry if what I wrote offended anyone- I didn't mean to, honestly. This was just a bit of a fun, filler story I wanted to get out to make up for all of my short ones lately.**

 **I really hoped you guys liked it! Review and tell me what you think!**

 **I'm not sure if I'm going to continue this, but I'll leave it as Incomplete and on my to-do list just in case.**

 **Anyways, thanks for reading and see you soon!**

 **-Fareetauhl**

 **In other news... MidKino (Midnight x Yukino) week is coming up in January, hosted by the always amazing Empress of Everything, and I plan to board this awesome ship and co-host with her!**

 **MidKino Week prompts:**

 **Day one:** Can I keep you?

 **Day two:** Sugar High

 **Day three:** Roommates

 **Day four:** Late night shopping

 **Day five:** Makeup fail

 **Day six:** Old friends

 **Day seven:** Transport

 **Bonus:** Burnt

 **That's all there is! Let me know if anyone else decides to participate-I'd love to read more of this ship!**

 **I almost forgot to tell you guys what days it is... It's from January 31 to February 6, 2016.**

 **I hope you can participate!**


End file.
